Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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