OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Come share oat with me in your robe
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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