I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
