The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
