When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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