Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I am mentally ready for anal.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
