Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
