He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
