wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
