I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
