Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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