don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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