Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
