my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
