i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
