u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
