He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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