I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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