I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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