Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
