im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Michael Bay diarrhea
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
