Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
