Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
