If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I love you. Go after that dick
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
