you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
