One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
