He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
