I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I supernannyed him into submission
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
