I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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