Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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