On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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