Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
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