drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
