You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
