dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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