I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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