is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
