We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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