it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
