No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
