this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
3pm strippers are depressing
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
