mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
