i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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