he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
