he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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