I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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