You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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