If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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