I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
