God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
