last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She bit a glass in half.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
