in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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