problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
