i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
